Daddy's Monster...

My dad just called me here at work. It started out like the handful of phone conversations we've had always start out....

my question:"How is everything dad?"
his response:"Pretty good. I've had a sinus cold and it's wiped me out for the past week but other than that things are going ok."

This is where he tries to switch the spotlight from him to me...

"so are you all moved now?"
"yep, I still have a few things left at the apartment but Richard and Matt are going to help me with those things tomorrow."
"Well that's good."

I turn the focus back to him....

"How are things going with mom?"
"Well, she said she was ready to move back in and then changed her mind so I dont know what's going on."
"Are you still going to counseling?"
"Well I've just said all I can say...you can only say so much."
"So you're not going at all?"
"Well your mother and I went together a few weeks ago and it was a disaster. My counselor said I should take a few weeks off."

So the conversation continues as I voice my opinion on things and he agrees for the most part. Then we start talking about Stephen as Dad mentions that he wants Stephen to be able to move back in with him sometime. I told him that I think it's better if he spends time with Stephen away from the house. He asked me why. I politely told him that if he comes over to the house for the weekend, there is too much routine...too many old habbits. In other words, if Stephen comes over to the house Dad might sit in front of the tv and do what he did so much of my childhood...shut us out.
I also told dad to be consistent. I told him that he tended to have a pattern of shutting us out (sitting in front of the tv) and then feeling guilty and spending a day or two with us...only to return to his all too comfortable routine of shutting us out.
His next remark was unexpected...it literally took me by surprise.
He said....
"The reason why I did that was because I was too angry to spend time with you. Everytime I would try, I would end up snapping and exploding on you and the boys. I figured that shutting you out was the lesser of the two evils."
Wow. I had never thought of that before. But it was true...so true that it was scary. My father had so much anger inside of him that he felt like a monster. He rejected himself and everyone around him because of it...it was a monster inside of him that he simply could not control.
You see, my father didnt shut us out because he was consumed by his job, or a hobby, or by drinking. He shut us out because he was too afraid of his anger to let us in.
Anger simply consumed him.