Where I am now.

I thought I was different. Yes, I had the dreams of every girl...that someday my handsome prince would come sweep me away and we would get married and live happily ever after. I even remember looking out my bedroom window at night, looking up at the moon and praying for my "future husband"...that God would keep him safe and healthy...and make all of his dreams come true. Then I would close my eyes and wonder just who it was that I was praying for. What color of eyes did he have? What did his smile look like?
Then I reached my 20's and learned that the best thing is to deal with all of your baggage from the past BEFORE I got married so I wouldnt "carry it into my marriage" and make an already difficult thing even MORE difficult. Heaven forbid.
Finally I reached my engagement...and the months that followed. I then learned to try and not depend on the "fantacy" of the wedding and marriage, and instead concentrate on the "reality" of it all. After all, after the wedding day...life does go on.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it all made sense to me. I thought I did everything right..I tried to be level headed and see marriage from all angles. But in reality, as much as my head tried to be prepared for "everything,"...my heart was still like that naive little girl dreaming as she looked out her window.
Everyone I know has said "The first year of marriage is the hardest." I always took that as a grain of salt. I thought "Maybe for everyone else, but not me!" I dont know, maybe there are those couples out there that make it through their first year of marriage in a joyful bliss. I have learned that I am just not one of them.
I am now a little past 6 months of my first year of marriage and although I love my husband, I am still faced with real problems of judgement and resentment. It's like a veil gets lifted from each of your hearts and you see not just the good and the bad...but also the ugly. It's profound how once you say those vows, all of the fake facad disappears and you are stuck in the reality of that person and the reality of yourself. In my opinion, it is only God, love and a little of just plain hard work that can get you through a marriage.
Yes, it does have it moments of romance and bliss...but it also has those moments when you just have to make effort when you dont really want to.
I guess that's just where I am now.

Catching up over Easter....

Jim: "So Doug, how is everything going in Charlotte these days?"
Doug: "Really good, been traveling alot with my job lately and seeing new things...How is everything in Nasheville Jim?"
Jim: "Pretty good, been writing music when I get a chance and have met a few country stars."
Doug: "So Jules, how are things over on the eastern side of NC?"
Me: "Well.....we just got a Walmart!"

Not ready to make nice.

Some nights I lay down to sleep and my thoughts bring me peace. Then there are nights like tonight. Nights when I think about those pink chairs in the green office. Nights when I'm scrubbing base boards and walls...nights when I'm 12 years old again looking into someone's eyes for salvation and hearing back that it's "just not in my eyes."
There are nights when I remember when tears just werent enough. There are nights when I remember leaving school knowing my best friends were chosen. My best friends were the ones who would walk across that yard to acceptance. Something I longed for but didnt know enough of. There are nights when I did not know my own bed. When back rubs and doing dishes brought me closer to the acceptance, the love I longed for. I remember the nights when I cried myself to sleep wondering what in the world was I "holding onto"...wondering what more could I do just to have the peace of mind that if I died in the next moment I just might go to heaven.
Then.
Then there are those nights I remember playing games in the school yard. The games of "Trees" the times of being pushed on the swing set, the times when creative writing set me free....the moments when I felt safe.
I heard from a great movie I watched tonight the following phrase:
"To forgive is to love, and when you love Gods light shines down on you."
To forgive.
As much as this 26 year old would like to think that she's there....she's just not. I'm just not.
"They say time heals everything...but I'm still waiting."

I'm back

Yes, I know it's been a while but I'm back to writing again...at least for tonight. On one hand I think adding another post to my blogger at this point will be a waste. Mainly because I now work from home and never really see much of the real world anymore. Life as I see it is pretty boring at the moment but you never know what can happen from day to day and I do have the slightest hope that I have the potential to write something worth reading.
Sandman's birthday is today. He turns 3 today...or 21 in dog years which is why Matt gave him his first beer tonight. And just as you're thinking the same thing I did "It cant be a good thing for a dog to drink beer,"...it gets better. The beer was GREEN. Yes, Green...as in Matt going to the store after work buying a bone, beer and green dye so our dog could drink his "St.Patty's Day Beer" in true holiday fashion! Not only has Sandman had green beer today but he's had every left over imaginable. I'm just waiting to see how gross his next trip outside will be.

Happy Birthday Sandman...Cheers!