Where I am now.

I thought I was different. Yes, I had the dreams of every girl...that someday my handsome prince would come sweep me away and we would get married and live happily ever after. I even remember looking out my bedroom window at night, looking up at the moon and praying for my "future husband"...that God would keep him safe and healthy...and make all of his dreams come true. Then I would close my eyes and wonder just who it was that I was praying for. What color of eyes did he have? What did his smile look like?
Then I reached my 20's and learned that the best thing is to deal with all of your baggage from the past BEFORE I got married so I wouldnt "carry it into my marriage" and make an already difficult thing even MORE difficult. Heaven forbid.
Finally I reached my engagement...and the months that followed. I then learned to try and not depend on the "fantacy" of the wedding and marriage, and instead concentrate on the "reality" of it all. After all, after the wedding day...life does go on.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it all made sense to me. I thought I did everything right..I tried to be level headed and see marriage from all angles. But in reality, as much as my head tried to be prepared for "everything,"...my heart was still like that naive little girl dreaming as she looked out her window.
Everyone I know has said "The first year of marriage is the hardest." I always took that as a grain of salt. I thought "Maybe for everyone else, but not me!" I dont know, maybe there are those couples out there that make it through their first year of marriage in a joyful bliss. I have learned that I am just not one of them.
I am now a little past 6 months of my first year of marriage and although I love my husband, I am still faced with real problems of judgement and resentment. It's like a veil gets lifted from each of your hearts and you see not just the good and the bad...but also the ugly. It's profound how once you say those vows, all of the fake facad disappears and you are stuck in the reality of that person and the reality of yourself. In my opinion, it is only God, love and a little of just plain hard work that can get you through a marriage.
Yes, it does have it moments of romance and bliss...but it also has those moments when you just have to make effort when you dont really want to.
I guess that's just where I am now.

Catching up over Easter....

Jim: "So Doug, how is everything going in Charlotte these days?"
Doug: "Really good, been traveling alot with my job lately and seeing new things...How is everything in Nasheville Jim?"
Jim: "Pretty good, been writing music when I get a chance and have met a few country stars."
Doug: "So Jules, how are things over on the eastern side of NC?"
Me: "Well.....we just got a Walmart!"

Not ready to make nice.

Some nights I lay down to sleep and my thoughts bring me peace. Then there are nights like tonight. Nights when I think about those pink chairs in the green office. Nights when I'm scrubbing base boards and walls...nights when I'm 12 years old again looking into someone's eyes for salvation and hearing back that it's "just not in my eyes."
There are nights when I remember when tears just werent enough. There are nights when I remember leaving school knowing my best friends were chosen. My best friends were the ones who would walk across that yard to acceptance. Something I longed for but didnt know enough of. There are nights when I did not know my own bed. When back rubs and doing dishes brought me closer to the acceptance, the love I longed for. I remember the nights when I cried myself to sleep wondering what in the world was I "holding onto"...wondering what more could I do just to have the peace of mind that if I died in the next moment I just might go to heaven.
Then.
Then there are those nights I remember playing games in the school yard. The games of "Trees" the times of being pushed on the swing set, the times when creative writing set me free....the moments when I felt safe.
I heard from a great movie I watched tonight the following phrase:
"To forgive is to love, and when you love Gods light shines down on you."
To forgive.
As much as this 26 year old would like to think that she's there....she's just not. I'm just not.
"They say time heals everything...but I'm still waiting."

I'm back

Yes, I know it's been a while but I'm back to writing again...at least for tonight. On one hand I think adding another post to my blogger at this point will be a waste. Mainly because I now work from home and never really see much of the real world anymore. Life as I see it is pretty boring at the moment but you never know what can happen from day to day and I do have the slightest hope that I have the potential to write something worth reading.
Sandman's birthday is today. He turns 3 today...or 21 in dog years which is why Matt gave him his first beer tonight. And just as you're thinking the same thing I did "It cant be a good thing for a dog to drink beer,"...it gets better. The beer was GREEN. Yes, Green...as in Matt going to the store after work buying a bone, beer and green dye so our dog could drink his "St.Patty's Day Beer" in true holiday fashion! Not only has Sandman had green beer today but he's had every left over imaginable. I'm just waiting to see how gross his next trip outside will be.

Happy Birthday Sandman...Cheers!

Update

I feel unsettled in life now more than ever. There is a wedding I desire and no means to get there. There are several hurdles that have popped up even in the past week that seem impossible to overcome. There are times I've wanted to throw in the towel and have mentioned the word "elope" to Matt only for him to dismiss the idea. He does this not just because he knows I've always wanted a wedding, but because he too deep down wants to say those sacred words in front of our dearly loved family and friends.
Although most days this week I feel I have been holding on by a string, I havent lost hope and have continually prayed that our day will work out the way it's meant to be.
Now for an update. Matt is now in Cherry Point, NC where he is to be stationed for the next 2 years at least. His flight from Mississippi had a stop in Charlotte so it worked out perfectly for me to pick him up at the airport last friday and drive him to Cherry Point. It was so good to see him walk out of the baggage claim with his "high-and-tight" haircut and camouflage bags. I am so proud of him. The weekend was great..even after we realized that Havelock (the town surrounding the base) is a hole in the wall town. It reminded me of Lenoir with it's vacant strip malls. The big difference between the two is that Lenoir has a Walmart and the closest Walmart to Havelock is 30 minutes away! It will be an adjustment for sure...but not one that will be difficult as long as my best friend is by my side. We joked about how we can just make our own entertainment and want to spend our evenings grilling out and having new friends over. Give us good friends, good music, good food and a beer or three and we are happy campers!
Now it's just a matter of getting to that point.
As for the wedding date. It's still not set. One thing for sure is that we want it to happen as soon as possible! We discussed it several times over the weekend. One minute we were ready to get married the next day and the next minute Matt was saying October. Then I would tell him I cant wait that long so it would be July or August. Of course all of our discussions didnt matter once he reported to work on Monday and learned the Marines just made a new rule where he has to take marriage classes before he can get married and they are only offered once every other month. Like I said, the hurdles just keep coming.
It's hard not to stress when I'm alone in Charlotte just trying to get through the days. It's hard when I see where I want to be but cant seem to make any progress on getting there BUT I am learning patience and when I think back on all the times God has taken care of us up to this point in life I am reassured. He is faithful, and my hurdles are no exception to that.

Still Adjusting.

I was reminiscing with a friend the other day about when I would meet Matt uptown for lunch on fridays. He worked at the IJL building (one of the tallest buildings in charlotte).I would wait for him in the lobby...trying to spot him in the crowd of people swarming in and out of the security check points. Secretaries..lawyers..bankers..all shifting from place to place. Then I would spot him strolling through the hectic crowd. He was never in a rush always just putting one step in front of the other even as people gave him dirty looks as they passed by him. He wasnt in a hurry for anything...not lunch, not even life. Walking beside him down the sidewalk made me more aware of how fast I too walked just to get to the next destination. I had to slow down to stay with him. I was ok with life slowing down when I was with him. We would order our food at a little cafe, then talk about our friends, family or the upcoming weekend. Then an hour later we would find ourselves standing in front of the building saying goodbye. I would beg for a kiss and he would smile and say no...knowing all the while I wouldnt stop tugging on his arm and asking until he gave into my request. Finally he would look around to make sure his boss wasnt within sight. I knew what was next. Then he would bend down and kiss me. I would smile in my triumph and walk away like I was walking down the runway at a fashion show just because I knew he was watching from behind.
Those moments were only a year ago. They seem so far away.
Today he's in Mississippi trying to make it to May 3rd when he will be stationed and will finally belong somewhere even if it's only for a few months. I can count the number of times I've seen him since last September on one hand.
Sometimes I think of what that base in Mississippi might look like. I know Meridian Mississippi is a "hole in the wall town" so I picture the base looking boring. I picture concrete buildings where the cinderblock walls are painted orange or an ugly yellow from the 1960's. Then I picture Matt walking down the sidewalk in his camouflage saluting officers on his way to his next class. He doesnt stroll anymore. Instead he walks with a confident stride...each step now has a purpose.

Last Night.

Last night Sandman and I made our way to my brother's apartment. I had a beer with him and his roomate Joey who is going to Iraq in May. There was a 30-something year old friend of Joey's there too named Casandra who wore a visor that had a dog paw on the front of it. I dont think I've seen anyone wear a visor in the past ten years. Come to think of it...the last visor I saw was at a yard sale. She said she was a dog trainer and would make these wierd hissing noises to Sandman when he would threaten to jump over my brother's 1st floor balcony or try to sneak a bite of pizza off of my plate when I wasnt looking. I think she was trying to be a dog whisperer or something. Sandman seemed annoyed by her and everytime she would make a hissing sound he would look at her, then look at me like he was saying "Are you kidding me?"

At one point I talked Joey into letting me try on his marine gear. We took this picture...





I like everything about that picture except for the fact that you can clearly see my cavity filling in the back of my mouth. It kind of stands out doesnt it? So in effort to cover it up I tried making the picture black and white....



That didnt help so it will just have to stay the way it is. Maybe people will think I have a piece of black gum in my mouth? Maybe not.