Attitude Adjustment

Last night I was moody. I whined to Matt, I complained about things that wouldnt normally bother me, I was selfish and didnt feel like snapping out of my attitude. I thought about it...but didnt feel like it so I stayed in my sulky state of mind.

This carried on for the 2 hours I was at his house when he gave me a hint that he wanted me to stay and I could just sleep on the air mattress by his bed. As I prepared the air mattress, I realized that the comforter that I had taken to his house was in the spare bedroom where who knows had used it. I demanded that he trade comforter for mine...and his pillow for mine. He gave them both to me without even hesitating.

As I drifted off to sleep I felt guilty....and grateful. Guilty that I would shove my attitude in his face, and grateful that he loved me anyway.

Sometimes its the little things that make a difference...I am truly blessed.

Just another day...

Just another day.

At least this is what I keep telling myself this Valentine's Day. Hmm.. I thought I would do better than I'm doing about this time (10:22am). Especially considering that Valentine's Day really never seriously crossed my mind until last night when I marveled at my strength not to make it a big deal of it this year. I told myself weeks ago that I wouldnt make a big deal of it which is just anotherway of setting myself up for heartache like I usually seem so good at doing.

Just another day.

So maybe my plan hasnt been too successful as I sit here in my office in a bad mood. I've noticed no one comes around my office when I'm in a bad mood. Then I feel guilty as I am proving to every male species that I work with that all women are indeed moody and the best thing to do is stay away from them.

Just another day.

So what if I dont get flowers at work like everyone else? So what if my last conversation with matt was so horrible that for a split second I gave up hope for ever being "enough" for him (I could write a whole different blog on that subject alone...but I will save myself and whoever chooses to read this the agony).

I see a pattern here. I will stop writing before my negativity consumes me and I become a bitter person.

Just another Damn day.

Daddy's Monster...

My dad just called me here at work. It started out like the handful of phone conversations we've had always start out....

my question:"How is everything dad?"
his response:"Pretty good. I've had a sinus cold and it's wiped me out for the past week but other than that things are going ok."

This is where he tries to switch the spotlight from him to me...

"so are you all moved now?"
"yep, I still have a few things left at the apartment but Richard and Matt are going to help me with those things tomorrow."
"Well that's good."

I turn the focus back to him....

"How are things going with mom?"
"Well, she said she was ready to move back in and then changed her mind so I dont know what's going on."
"Are you still going to counseling?"
"Well I've just said all I can say...you can only say so much."
"So you're not going at all?"
"Well your mother and I went together a few weeks ago and it was a disaster. My counselor said I should take a few weeks off."

So the conversation continues as I voice my opinion on things and he agrees for the most part. Then we start talking about Stephen as Dad mentions that he wants Stephen to be able to move back in with him sometime. I told him that I think it's better if he spends time with Stephen away from the house. He asked me why. I politely told him that if he comes over to the house for the weekend, there is too much routine...too many old habbits. In other words, if Stephen comes over to the house Dad might sit in front of the tv and do what he did so much of my childhood...shut us out.
I also told dad to be consistent. I told him that he tended to have a pattern of shutting us out (sitting in front of the tv) and then feeling guilty and spending a day or two with us...only to return to his all too comfortable routine of shutting us out.
His next remark was unexpected...it literally took me by surprise.
He said....
"The reason why I did that was because I was too angry to spend time with you. Everytime I would try, I would end up snapping and exploding on you and the boys. I figured that shutting you out was the lesser of the two evils."
Wow. I had never thought of that before. But it was true...so true that it was scary. My father had so much anger inside of him that he felt like a monster. He rejected himself and everyone around him because of it...it was a monster inside of him that he simply could not control.
You see, my father didnt shut us out because he was consumed by his job, or a hobby, or by drinking. He shut us out because he was too afraid of his anger to let us in.
Anger simply consumed him.

The Fabulous Life of a Woman....

I am 24 years old. Old. I am dealing with the everyday pressures of being a woman and am finding myself growing tired with every second of it.
I feel fat.
I want to change my haircolor again.
My nails never grow out evenly.
I look pasty.
I need a tan.
And the thoughts just go on...and on...and on.

Come to think of it....that's what my mother always seemed to me. Tired. She would come home in the evenings, lie down on the couch and sleep. She was always tired.
Yes, I must face the reality that so many of us run from everyday....I am becoming my mother.
I sigh...and then remind myself that there are good qualities of my mother that I have inherited and am thankful for. I have inhearited her creativity, her love for gardening...I could go on if I thought about it for a few more minutes.
But why did I feel so negative when I wrote that I am becoming my mother? Why do all woman run from the fact that we all turn into our mothers eventually? Maybe it is because we want more. Maybe it is because our mothers are tired....tired of a life of never being enough....never being the wife she feels her husband expects her to be...never being a better mother...never living life the way she wanted to. No matter how hard she tries..she is never enough.
Yes, my mother wasnt just physically tired, but emotionally and spiritually tired.
She was as tired as anyone can get.
And now, I find myself following in her footsteps but fighting nonetheless, against every step.
At this point, if I really wanted to...i could play the whole "society makes us this way" card. I could go on and on about how society puts magazines in front of us at the checkout counter with beautiful, skinny women on the covers and plays psychological games with us to convince us that if we want to be beautiful, we must be just like jessica simpson or charlize theron.
Now believe me, I'm not saying society doesnt push us to have a false perception of beauty. But is society really who we need to place the blame on? I dont think so. Of course it is there...the message will always be there. But let's face it. Society will never be a completely positive mold in anyone's life. So where do we place the blame? We are always good at the blame game...but this time maybe we should stop focusing on where to point our finger and accept responsibility. I mean who is the one to who decides to go to the tanning bed? Me. Who decides to be with the guy who never tells you he loves you? Me. Who chooses to sit in front of the TV and stress over how much I weigh? Me.

hmmm...it's something to think about. I wish I had all the answers. I only know that the decisions I make at this point in my life are so crucial. Who I decide to marry....the career I choose to have...the friends I choose....again, the list goes on.
Will the decisions I make today haunt me down the road? I have no one to blame but myself if I find myself shutting off myself from the world by sleeping on the couch every evening when I get home.....tired of life.

Dear Lord...please help me make the right decisions.