Not ready to make nice.

Some nights I lay down to sleep and my thoughts bring me peace. Then there are nights like tonight. Nights when I think about those pink chairs in the green office. Nights when I'm scrubbing base boards and walls...nights when I'm 12 years old again looking into someone's eyes for salvation and hearing back that it's "just not in my eyes."
There are nights when I remember when tears just werent enough. There are nights when I remember leaving school knowing my best friends were chosen. My best friends were the ones who would walk across that yard to acceptance. Something I longed for but didnt know enough of. There are nights when I did not know my own bed. When back rubs and doing dishes brought me closer to the acceptance, the love I longed for. I remember the nights when I cried myself to sleep wondering what in the world was I "holding onto"...wondering what more could I do just to have the peace of mind that if I died in the next moment I just might go to heaven.
Then.
Then there are those nights I remember playing games in the school yard. The games of "Trees" the times of being pushed on the swing set, the times when creative writing set me free....the moments when I felt safe.
I heard from a great movie I watched tonight the following phrase:
"To forgive is to love, and when you love Gods light shines down on you."
To forgive.
As much as this 26 year old would like to think that she's there....she's just not. I'm just not.
"They say time heals everything...but I'm still waiting."