Where I am now.

I thought I was different. Yes, I had the dreams of every girl...that someday my handsome prince would come sweep me away and we would get married and live happily ever after. I even remember looking out my bedroom window at night, looking up at the moon and praying for my "future husband"...that God would keep him safe and healthy...and make all of his dreams come true. Then I would close my eyes and wonder just who it was that I was praying for. What color of eyes did he have? What did his smile look like?
Then I reached my 20's and learned that the best thing is to deal with all of your baggage from the past BEFORE I got married so I wouldnt "carry it into my marriage" and make an already difficult thing even MORE difficult. Heaven forbid.
Finally I reached my engagement...and the months that followed. I then learned to try and not depend on the "fantacy" of the wedding and marriage, and instead concentrate on the "reality" of it all. After all, after the wedding day...life does go on.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it all made sense to me. I thought I did everything right..I tried to be level headed and see marriage from all angles. But in reality, as much as my head tried to be prepared for "everything,"...my heart was still like that naive little girl dreaming as she looked out her window.
Everyone I know has said "The first year of marriage is the hardest." I always took that as a grain of salt. I thought "Maybe for everyone else, but not me!" I dont know, maybe there are those couples out there that make it through their first year of marriage in a joyful bliss. I have learned that I am just not one of them.
I am now a little past 6 months of my first year of marriage and although I love my husband, I am still faced with real problems of judgement and resentment. It's like a veil gets lifted from each of your hearts and you see not just the good and the bad...but also the ugly. It's profound how once you say those vows, all of the fake facad disappears and you are stuck in the reality of that person and the reality of yourself. In my opinion, it is only God, love and a little of just plain hard work that can get you through a marriage.
Yes, it does have it moments of romance and bliss...but it also has those moments when you just have to make effort when you dont really want to.
I guess that's just where I am now.